[REQUEST] Carter: 1992 The Love Album

1992 The Love Album

Best song: England

Worst song: 1993

Overall grade: 4

Well, this is something I never thought I’d review. For a long time, everything I’d heard about Carter, including the fact that they called themselves ‘The Unstoppable Sex Machine’ led me to believe that they were immature, full of themselves and not particularly serious. I still partly think that, but at the same time I think they do have a fair amount of talent, often writing inspired lyrics that use humour to give important messages, and occasionally writing decent melodies.

For anyone who’s not aware, Carter USM were a pair of indie musicians known only as Jim Bob and Fruitbat who put out a handful of albums throughout the 90s, and still occasionally tour today. This album was their most successful, containing a Top 10 single and making it to number 1 in the UK charts, but today they’re largely unheard of, and there’s a fair chance I wouldn’t have heard of them if I didn’t know people who were massive fans.

This album opens with an instrumental; an interesting and surprising decision considering Carter’s strengths really do lie in their lyrics. ‘1993’ is unnecessarily bombastic and seems very contrived and artificial, and as an opener it fails to excite me about the album to come. However, in the eight songs that follow, Jim Bob and Fruitbat tackle an interesting range of subject matter that’s either not often covered in songs, or just looked at in a different way

I’m not entirely sure who started the idea of putting the big hit single as track three on an album, or when. I can’t think of many pre-90s examples. Anyway, it applies here with ‘The Only Living Boy in New Cross’, a play on the similarly-titled Paul Simon song. It builds and expands as all good anthems should, moving from the tale of one particular one night stand to reciting an extensive list of people who have died from AIDS.  It’s memorable, effective and hard-hitting right down to the angry finality of ‘Hello, good evening, welcome – and goodbye.’

It’s easily the album’s second best song, beaten out only by the lyrical excellence that is ‘England’. A traditional English folk melody is juxtaposed with a tale that paints a far more bleak view of our country, containing constant references to things which, depressingly enough, seem to represent the English, and an uncountable number of excellent puns, from ‘I was born under a wandering star in the second council house of Virgo’ to ‘My phone number is triple-X directory’. Without paying attention to the lyrics it sounds unobtrusive and a minor side note to the album, especially given its length, but to pass over it would be a huge mistake.

Between these two greats is ‘Suppose You Gave A Funeral and Nobody Came’, a comment on the superficiality of popularity (I can’t say that fast either) that’s set to dance music; which could be a ridiculous combination but actually works, the contrast of subject matter and musical style exactly mirroring the contrast of the popular girl with no real friends. The melody at the end is probably the catchiest moment of the album, too. It doesn’t let itself be overshadowed by the two songs around it, but holds its own nicely, although as the first of two funeral songs, it makes me wonder if this album should be renamed ‘1992 The Death Album’.

The second one, ‘Look Mum, No Hands!’ is the downbeat tale of a funeral of a young boy, but it’s a bit heavyhanded and tries too hard to make its point, and consequently isn’t as successful as those that seem to convey their message effortlessly. It’s not a complete failure – there are a couple of very darkly humourous lines – but it’s not a classic. Similarly, the second half of ‘Is Wrestling Fixed’ tries too hard to be funny, with an endless list of not particularly imaginative questions to which the answer is blatantly ‘yes’, and then the final line, ‘Is wrestling fixed?’ It doesn’t take a genius to work out the intended meaning of that. The first half is excellent, though, far cleverer and makes the song well worth the listen.

Side two doesn’t have any classics, although it does begin with a Spinal Tap quote. ‘Do Re Me So Far So Good’ is the obligatory anti-music-industry song that’s been done a thousand times. It’s enjoyable and well-written enough but placed after three outstanding tracks, will always seem like the slightly less original younger cousin.

An issue I have with a lot of these songs, especially ‘While You Were Out’, lies in the vocals; which are incredibly intense and over-the-top the majority of the time, something which can get incredibly grating. It’s not a bad song but it definitely turns into overload partway through. Jim Bob clearly has the ability to put a lot of emotion and power into his voice, but it would be much more effective if this were saved for the occasional particularly important line, with the others treated more subtly.

‘Skywest And Crooked’ is where the lyrics start to get a bit more abstract, and I like it for the fact that it’s positive but not overwhelmingly so, still remaining grounded, especially with the dark and thought provoking Ian Dury quote at the end. But I can’t say the same for the cover ‘The Impossible Dream’, which is difficult to believe coming from the same guy who’s just sung all these sardonic lyrics, and therefore I don’t really see it as part of the album. It would have been more effective to end with the spoken words of ‘I do not think they were asking why they were dying, but why they had ever lived.’

So, overall, I know that Carter have a very dedicated following and to a certain point, I can see the appeal: behind some uninteresting rhythms and unnecessary swearing they’re intelligent and cynical with a lot of important things to say and no fear of saying them. So they are worthwhile listening, but with too many weaknesses to ever become either essential or frequent listening. For days when you feel particularly disillusioned with society only.

[REQUEST] Gorgoroth: Antichrist

Antichrist

Best song: …there’s a best song? okay, Gorgoroth

Worst song: Possessed By Satan

Overall grade: 1

[Author’s note: Because everything conspires against this site, my excuse of the week is illness. Also, an apology for what I reviewed here. It was a request. I hope never to be asked to review anything else by the band. >.>]

Gorgoroth are a Norwegian black metal band named after an evil place in Lord of the Rings, which I’ve seen once and don’t entirely remember. They’ve released about nine albums and use, variously, English, Norwegian and Latin words for their song titles. Lots of black metal fans hold the band’s first three albums (of which this is the second) as a defining example of the genre, and truthfully, this album is outstanding in many ways. For example, if it was supposed to be a way of making sure you never got any visitors, it would be excellent. Similarly, it might be good at scaring people into doing whatever you want. It would probably even do nicely as an insect repellent. However, as an album of music, to be listened to, enjoyed and analysed, it falls short in several key ways.

The first problem is, let’s be honest, with the word ‘music’. I imagine ‘Antichrist’ would be highly enjoyable for anyone who really, really can’t stand music. When I listen to it, I feel the need to have the sound turned right down low for fear of being overwhelmed by feelings of despair that anybody could actually make this.

Really, this is more of an EP than an album, since there are only five tracks that are longer than 20 seconds, and the total length is twenty-five minutes. Even if this album did have a strong concept or musical flow, we’re not really given enough time to get into it here. The first twenty seconds are entitled the Norwegian equivalent of ‘A Rank Smell of Christian Blood’, which is probably simultaneously the worst and most offensive song title I’ve ever heard, and this quality is second only to the song itself, which consists solely of distorted animal noises, and is quite plainly the shortest overlong track in existence.

Track two is entitled ‘Mountain Troll’s Revenge’, which could easily be setting us up for an entertainingly cheesy slice of fantasy rock, but it’s not to be. Actually, the riff that’s played at the beginning isn’t all that heavy at all and could almost be catchy, but it’s repeated and sped up to death until you’re so sick of it that even the vocals become preferable. And the vocals would very rarely be preferable, considering they contain no actual melody, and are rasped so much that it’s impossible to make out the lyrics.

The third track (named after the band themselves) actually does have some sort of melody that I can just about hear in the background, but all the weird distortion noises in the front completely drown it out, so you’re always stretching for it and never reaching it, which is highly unsatisfying. As time goes on, the melody comes more into play, and there’s a folk influence hiding in there, which probably makes it the most tolerable of the songs here. ‘Possessed By Satan’ is the worst, though. Allegedly, it has a different vocalist to the previous two, but I wouldn’t have noticed without being told; they sound like generic unclean vocals to me, of the kind that can work well in moderation but that are seriously overused here. It’s serious filler, indistinguishable from the dullest parts of any other song, and has no redeeming features that I can see.

I imagine that if this band were to make a good song, it would be an instrumental, but there’s just not enough variety in ‘Heavens Fall’ to make it so. Extreme heaviness works best, in my opinion, when it’s got something to contrast with, to be heavier than. When it’s all the same, there’s no benchmark and no progression, and the track doesn’t seem to vary its emotions, just staying dark and militaristic and crushing the whole time.

Final track ‘Sorrow’ is slowed down and sounds like a funeral march, like they got really tired after all the fast stuff, the chanting in the background helping with that mood. Much like the last song, there’s a deliberate, controlled beat keeping it together, and, well, often not much else. I don’t know if the drums and guitar actually recorded this whole piece or if they just recorded two bars and copy and  pasted them a hundred times. The worst part is that the guitar player actually seems to have talent. He just doesn’t make the most of it.

There’s also a bonus track! It’s about ten seconds of running water. It’s a grand artistic statement. No, I’m just kidding, it really is nothing but running water.

“Music”, “tunes”, and other air quoted things aside, I guess one of Gorgoroth’s defining characteristics is their subject matter. Now, I respect freedom of speech and therefore, if a band wants to write exclusively about medieval Satanism, they can, even if I personally don’t agree with it at all. However, Gorgoroth do this thing where they refuse to release their song lyrics to the public, and I suspect it has something to do with them not actually being that good. I mean, they’re hardly the first band to make the whole devil-worshipping thing their trademark, and to keep it in any way creative there has to be a certain amount of lyrical talent. I can’t say for sure, but from what I can hear and what I can infer, I’d guess that there is none.

All in all, I couldn’t ever recommend this album to anyone, even if I didn’t like them. The moments of vague pleasantness are so few and far between that they’re probably accidental and what I most enjoy about listening to it is counting the seconds until it ends.

The thing is, black metal is not the type of music I listen to. Some people like it, though. I can understand the face that some people enjoy music that is incredibly heavy, raw and dark, and puts power and intensity above melody – that’s just personal preferences. I can even understand that to some people, the subject matter of the album is interesting. What I can’t get over is the sheer repetitiveness of everything here. Every musical idea contained within could be squashed into the length of a standard single and I wouldn’t feel like I was being deprived of anything: heavy cannot be a substitute for interesting.

[REQUEST] One Direction: Take Me Home

Take Me Home

Best song: Change My Mind

Worst song: Rock Me

Overall grade: 3

I never used to give One Direction much thought. Much like Justin Bieber or Jedward, they were famous for having hairstyles, and happened to also release the odd song that sold like ice cream on a beach but that nobody older than thirteen actually listened to. And then it happened. People I knew, who I otherwise considered to have very good taste in music, began to confess to enjoying certain One Direction songs. Well, this wasn’t on! I see the appeal of the band to a certain demographic of people, but I just couldn’t understand why a commercial product with so little substance could satisfy a person whose favourite album is Revolver.

I made my feelings clear and then moved on, until a couple of weeks ago, when I was asked to listen to this album with an unbiased ear and review it. Which I did – and would you believe it, I only hate maybe ten of the songs on here!

It is difficult to know how to grade this, though. There are certain things I don’t know if I should take into account. For example, their superfans are often horrible people: I’ve often heard comments made by devotees to new fans like ‘we don’t want you, this fandom is full’. Bit harsh; surely it’s a good thing if more people appreciate your music? But I’m not using that as a criteria, since they don’t choose their fans. But there’s also the fact that the five members are actually pretty good singers. It’s never going to be demonstrated well on highly autotuned songs like ‘Kiss You’, but they have talent. Should I include that fact when deciding on a rating?

In the end, their abilities in the voice department were cancelled out by the fact that only three songs on the record give a songwriting credit to any member of the band, which is enough to make me lose respect for any artist. So I am judging this album entirely on its songs, most of which live up to my expectations.

Lead single ‘Live While We’re Young’ could almost be a parody. It really embodies every cliché of a modern day pop song: bright guitars, ridiculously obvious hook in the chorus, a more tender, slow bridge section in the otherwise uptempo song, never more than three seconds without some kind of vocal even if it’s just ‘oh, oh, oh’, most of the chorus layered and loud before the last line which is sung almost a cappella, and such a polished production that you could slip over on it. It’s blatantly assembly-line and doesn’t even try to hide it. I honestly can’t find a thing that might make it stand out from the crowd or distinguish itself from a thousand others released in the past few years. I particularly hate the lyrics, which are crude and obviously about sex, which is kind of inappropriate considering their fanbase.

Continuing with convention, One Direction follow the tried and tested pattern of two big, peppy singles followed by a ballad. I find ‘Little Things’ less painful to listen to than its two predecessors on the album, because it’s not so overtly commercial. But it’s still very formulaic and a song that’s meant to be this emotional and sincere really should be written by the band.

This album pretends the Beatles never happened, and goes back to the old tradition of padding out the singles with a handful of album tracks that don’t need to exist. ‘C’mon C’mon’ is a good example of this – it seems like it was written in half an hour to fill some space, and although it has an appropriately rousing chorus, the verses are mediocre and the quiet to loud transition in the third chorus is so awkward. Another example is ‘Over Again’, which I actually quite like the beginning of, as it’s more stripped down and has lost the production sheen – but that doesn’t last long. It’s written by Ed Sheeran, who has written a few good songs in his time, but this is clearly taken from his reject pile. ‘They Don’t Know About Us’ has a pretty piano introduction so that I originally thought it might be a nice surprise, but again, it quickly descends into pointlessness.

Each member of the band does make a token songwriting contribution, and some or all of them are featured (alongside professional songwriters) on ‘Last First Kiss’, ‘Back for You’, and ‘Summer Love’. Interestingly, these are three of the songs that come across as the most believable, and I think it shows that they’ve been more involved in the process from the start. But the first and last of these are also the most sickeningly sweet songs, making me gag with their too-perfect harmonies and lyrics that talk of unrealistic relationships.

As much as this style annoys me, it’s nowhere near as bad as ‘Rock Me’, the unlistenable Queen pastiche that occupies the middle spot on the album. I’d like to commend them for branching out, but hearing these five preppy, clean-cut boys try to convince us all they can play rock music is excruciating. In ten years’ time, it’ll be the embarrassing photo they have to keep hidden when people come round.

But finishing off on a positive note, there’s a couple of songs I can tolerate! ‘Heart Attack’ is mixed. The cries of ‘ow!’ in the chorus are really annoying, but I do find the tune very catchy. The pre-chorus section is good, and I like the way the close-up individual vocal of that part is neatly contrasted with the big group harmonising of the chorus. Should have been a single. And the biggest surprise of all is ‘Change My Mind’. It’s not positioned to be noticed and I’d never heard of it before I was commissioned to write this, but I’ve actually found myself growing to enjoy it rather a lot. It has a more mature feel than the surrounding tracks, and I can’t see it becoming dated as quickly as the rest of the record. The longing confusion of a guy who doesn’t know where he stands with a girl shows through, and although the multiple vocalists diminish the effect somewhat, its wistful melody and candid delivery show that maybe, just maybe, there’s some potential with these guys.

So while you won’t be finding me in the queue of people waiting to buy their next single the moment it comes out, I will be keeping half an eye out. Just to see where they go next.